My Heart Will Sing

I’m sad

And it’s not even a normal sad either. It makes me want to stay home forever and die kind of sad. Everything seems to bring me down lower and I can’t really see myself getting better anymore. I think I’m seriously ill as of this point. My life is unraveling and I’ve come to realize that behind all the bullshit friends and meaningless minutes, it’s nothing. It’s a big dark and black hole of nothing. 

I cry almost every night. It’s obviously not normal but what can I do. I feel pretty unappreciated and left out. I wonder what they would think if i just up and left. I feel so groggy. So fat. Like a pile of shit.  

Yeah but whatever. Who gives a shit right?

C

I can’t really explain why I get so annoyed sometimes. I really think that there are times when I want to shake you and make you realize how stupid you’re being. In fact, I hate almost everything you say. It’s either self deprecating, hypocritical, or doubtful. What a drag. I can’t really laugh anymore. But yet, I still love you to the fullest and I really wish the best for you. I guess I’m just super frustrated that you can’t see how I see things and that your walk with Christ is different than mine. I don’t know how to help you and I feel pretty useless. But yet, there are so many miracles that God has shown you and yet you back away as if the next day, you can completely forget. 

And you know it too. But who am I to talk? I just wish you could’ve shared the same walk I had these two years.

I’m going to miss Swan Lake. But truth be told, the atmosphere to the senior grade has changed a lot. Good or bad, I don’t know. But it has been, very much so, a great journey! I might’ve cried more during QT because I didn’t believe in the words I was praying or because I really wanted to feel sincere and grateful. I said things like, “thank you for this amazing group of seniors, ones who show true love and compassion towards one another.” Mumbojumbo like that. I mean. It’s true. Sometimes. With some people. I can’t really tell anymore. But anyways, there’s been a lot on my mind and it’s weighing me down. But all in all, I’m glad we made it together this far. Even though I spent only a short 2 years here, God turned me around completely and showed me His light every week.